The Relationship questionnaire is not a test that you either pass or fail. Relationships are an ongoing process of learning about each other, building a strong connection and learning how to accommodate differences so that both of you can feel safe and grow in an intimate love relationship.
‘We connect through our similarities but we grow through our differences’ – unknown.
Relationships are not a competition where you need to score points, although at times I wonder as it seems as if I’m talking with 2 adversaries. If both of you cannot agree on a certain issue and you reach ‘gridlock’, it’s then the relationship suffers and you both feel aggrieved.
What does your ideal relationship look like? Are you there yet? What needs to happen?
This quick snapshot of your relationship is designed to start a discussion. I must emphasise it should be used in the spirit in which it was compiled and should not be used to point out shortcomings in your relationship or partner.
Identify the issues that you agree on and are working smoothly for you.
Identify the issues that you disagree on and need to work out a compromise.
Identify the issues that you haven’t gotten around to talking about – but you should.
All this can add up to a blueprint for deepening your marriage and helping you reach your full marriage potential. The following categories can get you started:
On a scale of 1 – 10 rate your satisfaction with your relationship in the areas of:
1. Shared Values _____
2. Commitment to each other _____
3. Communication Skills _____
4. Conflict Resolution Skills _____
5. Intimacy/Sexuality _____
6. Spirituality/Faith _____
7. Money Management _____
8. Appreciation/Affection _____
9. Lifestyle _____
10. Recreation _____
11. Decision Making _____
12. Parenting _____
13. Household chores / gender differences _____
14. Careers _____
15. Us Time_____
Since this isn’t a test, but rather a map for you to use for further discussion, your total is not based on 100%. If your self-ratings on a specific topic are:
8-10: You are quite happy with this aspect of your marriage. This could be because you are generally an optimistic person and easy going, or you’ve been very intentional about working on your marriage.
4-7: You are sliding along in your marriage, perhaps not paying much attention to it or avoiding areas of conflict. It’s also possible that you have high expectations and are not an easy grader.
1-3: You are pretty dissatisfied with this aspect of your marriage. Check out the other areas of this website that address this topic.
Another way of assessing whether you need to pay more attention to certain areas of your marriage is by comparing answers with your spouse. If your ratings on any given topic differ by more than three points, you’ll want to discuss why.
Finally, if both you and your spouse have total scores of:
100 + Give yourself an A – but don’t get proud or complacent.
75-99 Give yourself a B – you’re in good shape and can pinpoint those areas you’ll want to discuss further.
50-74 Give yourself a C – You may have much to discuss or one of you may be more dissatisfied than the other. Sounds like you need to work on a plan.
15-49 Looks like trouble. The fact that you are visiting this website and have filled out this self-assessment, however, is a good sign. You haven’t given up; you want to make your marriage better. Take note of the areas where there is a large disparity between you and your partner and make these a priority. Call me if you’d like to work on a process to get your relationship back on track.