Anger in a marriage
“What’s the point! nothing ever changes, I’m never listened to so I might as well just keep quiet and not say anything”Sound familiar?Unexpressed anger in a marriage leads to resentment & contempt.
Resentment translates to unexpressed anger
The problem with this scenario is that it often leads to resentment, which can then flow into contempt. Resentment translates to unexpressed anger. Suppressing angry feelings isn’t helpful, both mentally and physically. Mentally, you tend to link previous resentments together like a chain. Each resentment being like a link in a big chain around your neck. The more links the heavier the chain becomes. Imagine carrying a big heavy chain of resentment around your neck and shoulders all day.
Physically, our brain produces certain chemicals in response to the resentment stress, which long term can compromise our health and well-being. The answer – express your feelings of anger rather than bottle them up.
Detouring your anger
Detouring your anger is never productive or helpful. If you’ve become angry with someone, and you’re unable or unwilling to express your anger towards them, be mindful you’re not detouring your anger towards someone else. This happens normally with someone you feel more dominant over or that you feel you have a higher status than. Consciously, you may not be aware that you’re actually doing it. Commonly referred to as a “triangle”.
Do you unknowingly participate in a ‘Triangle”?
Triangles can happen in any relationship, within your family, at work, or social groups. By bringing in a third party we lower the emotional intensity in one relationship at the expense of another. Peter,Tracey and Michael (son) were one such family. Tracey, contacted me as she felt things were becoming tense and unmanageable in her marriage. Tracey struggled to break the “triangle” between Michael, herself and Peter.Tracey had created a ‘dance’.
Tracey’s inability to stand her ground with Peter, led her to vent on Michael, he in-turn then played up because he was always being picked on. Peter, would then criticise Tracey for notparenting how he saw fit, Tracey wouldn’t stand up to Michael and so the dance continued in this distant marriage.
After talking about some recent episodes where Tracey felt she couldn’t express her anger (self-expression), we worked on ways for more self-expression.
Detouring your anger in a marriage can be destructive, would you like to take steps to change this dance, please give me a call, better late than never.